Relationship Issues including domestic violence
Recognizing The Origin
Relationship issues, as well as attraction to a particular person, usually begin with the family of origin. We tend to pick partners that somehow resemble one or both of our parents. If we are fortunate enough to be brought up in a family with loving, supportive parents who genuinely love each other and are able to provide us with a safe, secure and loving environment, we are more likely to attract the same qualities in a partner.However, if we are raised with physical or emotional abuse, or with parents who are unable to provide us with a loving, stable environment, we will likely (in an uncanny way) attract similar attributes in a partner.
Relationship difficulties may also stem from unresolved attachment issues with the primary caregiver that date back to early childhood.
When I work with couples and relationship issues, I am looking for belief systems, memories and past events that may be unconsciously organizing present-day perceptions and experiences. For example, if I have the experience of having a parent who was extremely critical of everything I did, where nothing was good enough, one of several scenarios may play out: I may unconsiously expect and hear my partner being critical of me, I may project my expectations of being criticized onto my partner and “create” a situation where my partner does become critical, or I may become a perfectionist in everything I do and come to believe that whatever I do, it’s not good enough. These patterns are often habitual and unconscious. However, they wreak havoc in our relationships.In situations of domestic violence, there is often a history of physical or sexual abuse. Again, in an uncanny way, we may attract a partner who is similar to an abusive parent or past partner. There are several theories about why we attract someone who abuses us, including that children who are attached to abusive parents are not able to leave. If they did, their most fundamental needs would not be taken care of. This is one reason why people return to their abusers. The source of the abuse is also often the source of limited nourishment. I help clients resolve unresolved past issues that are creating turmoil in the present moment experience of relationship. Sometimes this means becoming closer; sometimes it means breaking up. Either way, the desired outcome is more peace, freedom, and joy in relationship. Books and ArticlesStryker Rod. (2011). The Four Desires: Creating a Life of Purpose, Happiness Prosperity, and Freedom. New York: Delacorte Press.
If you’re struggling in your relationship because of a history of abuse in previous relationships, contact me to learn how couples therapy can help restore peace and joy.